From Beach House Bliss to Bureaucracy: Getting to Know Children and Youth

Holly and I were footloose and fancy free. I had long since given up on the idea of having children. In fact, I had realized I enjoyed being a little selfish. We lived life on a whim. One of the things Holly loved most about me was my spontaneity, or at least that's what she told me.

One spontaneous thing we had recently done was buy a beach house. Now, it wasn't in Florida like I'd hoped. But, as I soon came to realize, it was better. Only three hours from our home, it felt a million miles away. We chose a quiet area called Long Neck in Delaware. It's a rather sleepy town where there are mom and pop restaurants, one minimart, and only one way in and out on the "main drag." What was great was that we had a place close enough to Rehoboth Beach to enjoy the crowds if we wanted, but we often chose to stay in our itty bitty home, read on the porch, and sip a couple of cocktails at night. It was perfect. Just perfect.

It was a sunny but chilly day in mid-October. The leaves were changing and there was a beautiful breeze in the air. Our wind chimes were dancing, clanging their gentle tunes. We had just packed up the car to return from another amazing weekend. The back of the SUV was extra stuffed this visit because we had gone to the local craft show and purchased a few things - including the most beautiful hand-crafted wooden wine serving set. It held a bottle of wine and six glasses. I couldn't wait to set it up. I knew the perfect place. This is where we were and what we were doing when the events that would change our world would be set into motion.

The phone rang. "It's Dad," Holly said. She answered as she often does, "Hey Dad." They had their normal conversation about the weather, traffic, and the familiar questions about how long it took us to get down on Friday and how long we expect it to take us going back. Then I watched her eyes get wide. She covered the microphone of her cell phone and said, "Dad's giving me the Michael update." Still, this was a predictable progression for their conversations. You see, Michael, as kind-hearted and generous as he is, often finds himself in a jam. His car broke down or had been in an accident, or one of the many many people he tried to help had taken advantage of him again. But this time, Holly looked genuinely shocked. She looked at me and said, "Michael's daughter was placed in foster care. We don't know much else."

Let me backtrack for a moment. Holly had once mentioned that Michael, her brother, MIGHT have a daughter. It was this really weird topic everyone danced around. The woman had never put his name on the birth certificate, and hadn't even really raised this child herself at all. Since his daughter was three months old, she had been living with the mom of one of the other men her mother had children with. No one in the family had met her, Michael had only visited her a handful of times, and she was already almost 8 years old when she was placed in the county's care. As Holly filled me in, again with her hand over the microphone, I don't know what came over me. All of the hopes and dreams I'd had for children came flooding back all at once. In a split second, I had already envisioned back to school shopping, mommy/daughter outings, baking cookies together, running from one sport to another, and so much more. Before I even realized it, I said, "Can we take her in?" Given all the jams he'd been in, Michael was in no place to raise her. In a moment of what can only be described as insanely impulsive, I heard Holly say, "We'll take her!" I can't tell you anything about the rest of the conversation because I was pacing back and forth, between panic and euphoria, then fear and doubt, then anticipation and questions - lots of questions.

Needless to say, the ride home was almost impossible. My emotions were everywhere, and I had redecorated the bedroom that would be hers a million times in my head. I had Googled every possible thing about foster care I could think of. Little did I know, I didn't know what I didn't know. We reached out through a form on the Dauphin County Children and Youth site. And then we waited. Over the next few days we learned that Michael's daughter had a half sister, and they would not separate them. I felt the excitement deflate when I got that call. I knew Holly would never be ok with two kids. She's about nine years older than I am, and has an adult daughter from a previous relationship. As she says, she's "been there done that." Even one was a stretch for her.

I remember coming home to tell Holly what I'd learned, expecting that this would be the very thing that would steal any hope I had of this happening. For the second time since we got the call, Holly completely surprised me. Without a second thought, she said, "then we tell them we want both of them."

In the meantime, Michael had gotten in touch with the case worker who had originally placed his daughter and her half sister. He agreed to meet us at Michael's house, which also happened to be his and Holly's parents' house. So there we sat. Holly and I were on one couch, Michael and Mom on the other, and Dad in his recliner. There we sat, agonizing through what would become a theme in our experience with CYS. We were waiting about an hour past the time the case worker was set to arrive. Holly's phone rang, and I think we all jumped a bit out of our skin. But it wasn't the case worker. It was someone from an organization called Families United Network. Ironically, her name was Holly too, and she was so kind and patient. She explained so much to us, sharing that if we chose to move forward we needed to understand there were no guarantees.

The girls had already been placed in kinship, which means they were in the care of someone they knew. Although they were safe, the setting wasn't ideal. But they were safe, and we would learn that the bar for safety was set very low. In the meantime, we completed the initial paperwork, did our fingerprints, and applied for FBI clearances. Although Families United Network (FUN) was working hard to get us certified to foster, our Children and Youth caseworker was quite adamant the girls would stay in the care of their kinship foster home. It was such a strange dichotomy - FUN advocating for us and what was best for the girls, while I got the sense Children and Youth thought of us as a nuisance. Ultimately, FUN explained that if Children and Youth saw no safety issues, the girls would likely stay put. We were encouraged to continue completing the required trainings and paperwork, because if the girls came we would only have 60 days to become fully certified, and that time goes fast. And in foster care, things could change overnight.

We dragged our feet on the trainings, but got all of the papers in order. It had been about two weeks since we'd really heard anything, and I was reminding myself that God knows better than I do. I was powerless in the situation, and I had to respect the fact that there is a system for a reason, and the girls were likely happy and in a good place. Then, one Thursday at the end of November, my phone rang. I was in the middle of a meeting, but when I saw the number I just had to take it. It was Holly from FUN. "Jenn, remember when I said things could change? Well they have. The foster family didn't complete any of the paperwork or training, so the girls need to be moved. Children and Youth wants to know if you can be home to receive the girls tomorrow morning." And then the chaos began...